"So you hear voices? Is it female or male?" - the psychiatrist asked me.
I told him I couldn't differentiate whether they were female or male or not at the time. The psychiatrist continued to ask me more questions.
"Is it inside or outside your head? Do you think they control you or you control them?" - he continued with more questions.
For those who don't hear voices, I've been told it's very hard for people to understand someone who hear voices. I learnt voices can appear when trauma is present in someone's life. Like for instance, the sexual trauma that I received.
Sometimes the voices have commanded me to do things to hurt myself and I had acted on it, to hurt myself. It can also be triggered by a lot of stress too. I started hearing voices when I was 14. At that time I wasn't aware I was hearing voices, and it was this age that I first attempted suicide. Looking back, I definitely was hearing voices - just wasn't aware of it.
Throughout my twenties, I had episodes where voices were present and I had to be admitted to hospital for them and take specific medications for them. I try not to rely on these kind of medications too much, cause I think they can be quite addictive. I try other strategies like using my DBT (Dialetical Behavourial Therapy) skills, mindfulness and deep breathing. But the most effective way to 'get rid of them' was to take olanzapine.
There is a connection with hearing voices and God too. As a Christian, I believe at times the voices were the works of Satan, and I have mistaken it for God's voice. It is very distressing to have these voices, and it tests my faith in God too. I have been offered prayers for against these voices. Sometimes I question whether I am a 'weak' Christian in some people's eyes - at times I felt judged by other Christians who didn't understand me or understand that it's all part of my chronic illness.