Love is difficult for you to explain. And because you have been through the form of abusive love, you have to be careful how you give your heart and love to people.
You pray you will meet someone nice - someone who respects you at all times, and not use you as a sex object like the other guys you met. You are a lovely girl with passion, and you would easily sacrifice yourself to make it work.
You haven't made the best choices in love over these years, they have been abusive to you, not just sexually, but emotionally and mentally too. You want someone who not just respects you at all times, but will take care of you when you're not in your best self.
You have made rushed decisions in finding love, and you learnt you need to be more patient, and leave it to God too. He will open and close the right doors for you.
Just be patient, please.
True love doesn't come easily.
So be patient.
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Having an invisible disability doesn't stop me from falling in love with someone. Of course, it wouldn't, as someone who is disabled, we can't limit ourselves to these sort of things. I haven't had 'much luck' when it came to romantic relationships. I first fell into an abusive relationship, emotionally and mentally when I was 19. I thought I was 'in love' with this person. We had met at a University social club, and he chased me and said 'I was hard to get'. In the first year, there was 'a lot of love', and I felt I was being heard all the time. The second year went downhill fast, there was a breakdown of communication, and I was abused sexually, not just mentally and emotionally. What had I wish I told myself before I 'dived into' in the relationship. I would wish someone told me these things:
1) If I think this person is right for me, think again
People change, and once they find something out about you that they don't like, they might possibly find another reason to forget you and move on. Don't fall easily into any relationship.
2) Don't rush into it. Wait it out.
Peoples' true colours will appear in due time, they might be all great and loving one year, and be abusive in the next (which I learnt the hard way). Take it easy and spend time knowing the person first.
3) Find someone who is understanding and patient
Having mania and depressive episodes, I need someone who has a listening ear and understands what I am going through. Don't jump into that relationship, if you find one thing good about the person, they might not overall be a good person
4) Love hurts
Love isn't all about exchanging pretty flowers, gifts and kisses. It's more than that. It takes hard work to build trust, be a strong communicator, to understand each other and compromising. Love will eventually hurt if one part or another is not fulfilled.
Photo by Nina Timonen from Smile and Keep