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  • My Confidence Didn't Happen Overnight


    My confidence didn't happen overnight. As a teenager, like any other, I was trying to find myself and I got lost in the midst of it all. It didn't help that I was good at masking my feelings and emotions. I never shared to people when I was feeling down when I was younger, as I thought it was a weakness. But no - it wasn't that I was weak, but instead, I was strong for far too long.

    Looking back at my first episode of Depression, I was ready to end my life but something didn't seem right. I knew something from my gut feeling that I was doing the wrong thing. So I didn't completed suicide when I was 14 - instead I found hope, and confidence in my recovery till now and each day I hone those coping mechanisms I have made for myself. And of course without the help of family, friends, certain doctors and nurses and other mental health professionals too, I wouldn't be where I am today.

    I believe I am confident the way I am these days cause of my triumphs and mistakes I made as a person. Without it, I wouldn't be able to discover myself like this to this very day.

  • Choosing Rehab Over Home



    I always wanted to be independent in every way since I was a teenager. I knew what I wanted to be in life, how much income I wanted, who I wanted to support and how much to give back. I fixed my eyes on the goal and never looked back. Until the time I had my first episode of Depression, life became to crumble before me. No more solid career paths, no more being able to support my grandparents when I was the one who needed the support. I could not understand the neverending struggle I was facing, falling into the deepest darkest pits of Depression when I was a teenager. But looking back, it was probably the most significant event in my teenager years, shaping and sharpening on who I was truly to become in my adulthood. 

    I chose rehabilitation over staying comfortable in my family home for several reasons. The comfort of home was getting to me, sometimes triggering me to the depths of despair. I grew too comfortable in this home, living in the same environment for 26 years. Yes, I did say that, 26 years! I believe everything happens for a reason, and I did not keep on fighting with the mental health hospital system for 7 years, being hospitalised more than I needed. I needed quits for being in the hospital. Needed something else. Something that helps me step down from the mental health hospital system. 

    Then I found rehab.

    Rehab is an amazing place, just amazing. Everything about it is amazing, but don't get me wrong. There are challenges as well, learning to maintain balance between cooking, cleaning, exercising, socialising, relaxing is not as easy as the click of a finger. I am taught to build more resilience during these times. And here I found my independence again, with the help of some support is just, so so wonderful.  

    Photo by Kiss Me Photography

  • Where Am I In My Mental Health Illness Recovery?


    Photo by Alex Ate Paper

    I have been very busy in my life. From being involved in my church a bit more, keeping active in my exercise regimes, and frequent visits with my local mental health service. Yes, I still do see a mental health team. I have started a Gratefulness Diary, as well as, starting a 'written first-aid kit' - where I write anything, almost everything, down into this book - from how I'm feeling, what time I got out of bed, any voices I hear (that's not of God, especially), and any notes from my counselling and mental health clinicians' appointments. Etcetera. Etcetera.

    To sum it up, I have been quite active in my recovery. I have a list of contacts I call when I'm distressed, or stressed - I have to be mindful that's only been a few months past since my last mental health ward hospital admission. I haven't reached that baseline yet. I pray that I will maintain a steady pace after I reach that baseline for myself. 

    I have noticed my weaknesses include rushing things, being impatient with some things and people in particular. Not everything works for me in my recovery, but I am happy to try it as long as I can make an informed decision about it. I am working on my weaknesses and flaws. 

    And remember to be gentle and kind to myself. Not everyone is kind in helping with my recovery, but it's important to keep on focusing on the positives.